Faith. This word can mean several things. And it is exactly because of this that many of us end up not finding any of their meanings. In what you have faith? I was raised in a Catholic home. Despite part of the family practicing Buddhism, I was placed in a Catholic school, and educated at Masses. My mother made me believe that angels exist, God controls everything, and always want our good, even when we do everything wrong. For He is our Father, and that's how good fathers are. I grew up believing that miracles exist. Even with all the madness and unhealthiness of my home. Everything went wrong. But, somehow, we were led to believe that God had intervened in some way for things to go right in the end. And when it did not work out, well then it was a punishment, for what we had done wrong.
An absurd contradiction, that only made me believe that yes there is a God somewhere, but He is not giving a damn about me or any other human being. Bad things happen to good people, and humans are not perfect. We are sinners - according to biblical precepts - by nature, so we're always doing everything wrong. In this case, when do we deserve punishment, and when not?
I do not like confusing rules. I do not like exceptions, nor half-truths. I find it hard to deal with those rules in which I was raised. Today, once again, I had my Catholic faith put to the test, and I must say I do not know what to believe anymore. Actually, I was convinced by facts and reports that all this bullshit about angels and heaven, miracles and grace of God does not exist. What exists are us, imperfect beings, making crap after crap, and trying to swim in it to survive. Those who learn to swim, and do so with ease, leaving the shit behind, reach a little enlightenment, and peace. And perhaps this is the closest to heaven that we have.
I am one of those beings doing one dumb action after another. Today was no different. Some of my primary errors eventually tie me to other problems. And to solve them, I had to make one of my least favorite things: ask for help to my father. One of the concepts that I grew up into was that I would be somebody when I needed nobody. My father left home at fourteen, and lived alone. Graduated doctor, without support from anyone! And I? Well ... That's where my questioning of faith goes. If God is a daddy, and want to see us doing good, why haven't He acted on my behalf? Do I deserve less than others? Trying not to be selfish, I looked at the others. I'm not the only unsupported, without a divine hand to sustain me in my moments of despair. How many people are in worse situations than mine, without seeing any output? And where is God? In a church? In a temple? How can I be sure? He never spoke to me, or whispered in my ear, didn't call me to talk. And despite all my prayers and all my attempts to find Him, He continues to ignore me solemnly! I begin to doubt He is even somewhere to be found!
Now I'm here. Feeling small, defeated. Humiliated by life. My mistakes put me here. And if there is no God to come to my rescue, I have to try to change my situation alone. I thought about killing myself. But I'm too chicken. So, since I'm in a very difficult situation, and I hope there isn't any worse, now it's time to make it better! Don't make the same mistakes again, work harder and redo my life. I still do not know how, but this is the only possible path. Yesterday I watched an interview of a super intelligent guy, who I admire greatly. When asked about faith, he said he does not believe in any of this religious preaching. He believes there is a God. After all, things were made by someone. But he does not believe that God occupy His time monitoring humans, nor that He cares about what we do. He believes that things go wrong when we earned it. And do well when we work hard for it. And he does not believe in luck. To him that word was invented to give hope to fools.
You could find him a skeptic. And maybe he's alright. But this skeptical started a tiny business while still studying, without any pretense, and now he gets his living from it. He spends the year traveling, he is happy and has no financial problems. It is a human being adjusted and happy most of the time. He believes that in not expecting for God to do some work, we take responsability for our lives and start to work to make it better. Seeing the world as if there were nothing else, as if we were the owners of all means that we have a responsibility to do right by ourselves, without waiting for a miracle to come from heaven. If you are the owner, you take great care of it. That was the message...
So, I concluded I was just wasting my time waiting for God to help me get it right. Either I do all the work alone, or fail to be a happy human being. And I don't wanna fail... I really don't. So, I need to put some thoughts in order and start all over again, doing better and better, and better. The best that I can is too little. I've tried that, and I've failed at my - or any - standards. If there is no God, I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to do better... But I need to work it out! Let's see if I can! Let's have some faith in me!!!
Doug Amaranto.
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